Freethought Radio

Lady & The [Fat] Tramp

2012-02-10T16:53:00.002-05:00

... a study found 41 million dogs and 47 million cats are overweight or obese, 53% percent of adult dogs and 55% of cats ... "I didn't notice the weight creeping on. All of a sudden he was just this fat dog," said owner Kim Stevens. "He's about 82 pounds right now, and he should be 62" ...

Nothing says love like failing to notice an extra 20 pounds. I wonder how this problem is playing out in Germany, where the number of "animal brothels" is on the rise because zoophilia is considered merely a "lifestyle choice, and thus more acceptable." Well, as long as the fat animals get a little lovin' too, that's what's important.

And in the way of public service announcements if you're stumped for cool gifts this Valentine's Day, just remember guys : Flowers wilt and chocolates melt ... but roaches are forever.

Let The Good Times Roll

2012-01-03T10:16:00.003-05:00

In honour of the recently completed New Year's Eve tradition of binge drinking, a few alcohol-related riddles ... Would booze nutrition labels make you drink smarter? ... Where's my can of whiskey? ... Are we drunk yet? ... Can you dislocate your jaw by simply vomiting?

The Meaning Of Xmas

2011-12-03T16:42:00.005-05:00

Looking for the perfect Christmas gift? Ignore the manufacturer’s claim that it’s "gone" — you can still find a good old Flush N’ Fish if you know where to look ... How about a rotating ice-cream cone that does the hard work for you? Do your part for global obesity this holiday season.

And be sure to stay away from church, especially if you’re in Kentucky ... where a small Pike County church has voted not to accept interracial couples as members ... that's how real Christians do Xmas. Not like those heathen Japanese.

7 Billion & ... A Little Fertility-Obsessed?

2011-11-07T11:23:00.018-05:00

Holding "celebrations" in honour of our infestation having reached 7 billion is way out of line, people. In January 2009 Nadya Suleman, who began pumping out IVF specimens at 21 years of age in 2001, famously became the Octomom. Then in October 2009 Ahmed Muhamed Dore, a 112-year-old man whose five previous wives had already dropped 13 children, marries 17-year-old Safia Abdulleh. Obviously, his PR staff advised him that he had to say stuff like he "would like to have more with his new wife." Otherwise he looks like just another run-of-the-mill pervert, or a gold-digger trying to gouge the Viagra marketing department out of tons of sponsorship dollars. And now,

Susan Tollefsen, one of Britain’s oldest first-time mothers after IVF treatment at the age of 57, is being forced to cope as the country’s oldest single mother ... Tollefsen defended her right to have another child despite her age and health problems, including being deaf in one ear and having a replaced knee, but the couple eventually decided not to go ahead.

Well, we're nothing if not consistent because, apparently, even in these enlightened times the occasional "toyboy" is selfish enough to ditch the 61-year-old mother of his 3-year-old child. Of course, it's been über-crazy since at least June 2010 when

... the world's oldest mother is dying just 18 months after giving birth at the age of 70 ... too weak to recover from complications after her IVF pregnancy, as it emerged that a 66-year-old has become the oldest woman in the world to have triplets.

Meery Christmas, Suckers

2011-11-01T10:20:00.003-04:00

Little Frank, Goldie and Myrrh, "the third litter of meerkats born to Kate and Wills this year, are in for a bit of a surprise as we transform their enclosure, which is currently decorated in a desert setting, to incorporate a nativity theme ..."

[The meerkat surprise is sprung Saturday November 12]

D'oh!

2011-10-05T13:05:00.004-04:00

Now here's a piece of bad news ...

The future of The Simpsons is in doubt after 20th Century Fox Television said it could no longer afford to produce the show without its voice actors taking a huge pay cut ... the show generates billions of dollars.

Excellent ... really excellent.

Crazy Trigger Happy

2011-09-14T11:59:00.005-04:00

In Florida, you may post a "No Guns Allowed" sign in :
(a) government buildings
(b) libraries
(c) airports
(d) none of the above

Shit, if Jesus loves nukes then what's the fuckin' problem peaceniks?!

DUMBASS Alert

2011-08-04T14:23:00.010-04:00

When jp first heard the term "planking" it sounded like an idea with real potential. After all, smacking people at random with a plank of wood just might raise humanity's collective IQ a little ...

[Oops! My bad.]

Anyhow, it turns out that even consummate horn dog Hugh Hefner feels the need to dumbass it up from time to time, or else he's covering up for a crazy bender ... Either way, as somebody far wiser than myself said : there's a reason planker rhymes with wanker ...

And just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, it turns out Owling is the new Planking ...

Watering Down

2011-07-14T08:55:00.003-04:00

Experts now warn that drinking eight glasses of water a day is ‘not only nonsense, but thoroughly debunked nonsense’ ... So smarten up, and have some of this organic water ... although water by definition is inorganic.

Smells Like ... Pee

2011-06-22T16:28:00.002-04:00

"Do you want to drink pee?"

... the Water Bureau said about 7.8 million gallons of drinking water will be discarded because a 21-year-old man admitted urinating in a reservoir ...

Smells Like ... Shit

2011-06-22T15:27:00.005-04:00

"The supervisor tried to detain the suspect, but he ran away covered in feces," according to a Boulder Police news release.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news :

... soda fountain machines may be squirting out liquids contaminated with fecal bacteria ... self-serve or behind the counter, nearly half of all sodas dispensed from 30 machines had coliform bacteria ...

"We're basically bathed in feces as a society" said Philip Tierno, director of Clinical Microbiology and Immunology at New York University Langone Medical Center ...

Smells Like ... Insanity

2011-06-02T09:57:00.004-04:00

"I love that smell of the emissions!"

[Update, June 22]

Former half-term Gov. Sarah Palin has reportedly packed in her bus tour ... halfway through.

[/Update]

Lord, Wherefore Art Thou?

2011-05-17T10:59:00.005-04:00

A Kansas man was taken to hospital for "mental evaluation" after police found a week-old corpse in his apartment. He said he was "praying for divine intervention to bring his fiancee back to life."

So in Kansas, a citizen prays for divine intervention : lunatic asylum ... but in Texas, a state prays for divine intervention : cost-effective government.

Victorian Voiding

2011-05-10T15:45:00.005-04:00

(Photo: Adrian Lam/Postmedia News)

... public urination was reaching a breaking point in the B.C. capital with city workers counting more than 30,000 liters of urine collected within a year ... it’s a male-only device device of course and the $60,000 facility isn’t so much a bathroom appliance as a piece of public art.

God Save [Us From] The Queen

2011-04-27T12:47:00.015-04:00

There will be no kiss during the wedding ceremony ... We don't do that in the Church of England.(Image: Castle Rock Brewery)

Luckily, an India Pale Ale has been brewed in honour of the royal wedding : Arise Prince Willy wants to take the wheels off the royal wedding bandwagon ... A beer should be brewed with a purpose, not just because some toffs are getting married ... The Royal Virility Performance is the perfect antidote to all the hype ...

Indeed. Thou might also wisheth to send thy fair princess away for lessons in the physicalities of love ... as a virginly English matron, she shall rightly require some assistance. Quite so, quite so old chap.

(Press Association via AP Images)

Doggy Bag, Please

2011-04-14T15:53:00.005-04:00

Having trouble saving up for that vasectomy? Get your pet spayed or neutered, write an essay on "Why should PETA neuter you?" and you could win a *FREE snip 'n' tuck! Contest ends April 27

*Neuticles not included

Evolution Anybody?

2011-03-30T13:55:00.001-04:00

Do not store chemicals in soft drink bottles, do not leave nicotine chewing gum near children, and do not give your child ant-killer if they have just eaten ants.

The Sinking Of The Land Of The Rising Sun

2011-03-12T14:28:00.012-05:00

Life is like unto a long journey with a heavy burden.

- Ieyasu Tokugawa

(Photo: HO/AFP/Getty Images)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

A Meaty Challenge

2011-03-01T12:55:00.003-05:00

Government whistleblower : I was shocked ... Dubious meat is often tested, and turns out to be rats and vermin – but chimpanzee is unbelievable. Wow. Next you won't even be allowed to serve breast-milk ice cream.

Thoroughbre[a]ds

2011-02-18T20:26:00.007-05:00

Sayeth the American lawyer : A guy and a sheep in Litchfield, and I've had a few of those cases, would not have gotten nearly the media attention ...

This guy's horse fucking client should meet New Zealand racehorse breeder Lindsay Kerslake, who figures you'll have as much zizz as a stallion for a week after trying one of his "flavoured horse semen shots."

Be My Valentine

2011-02-10T14:42:00.005-05:00

Flowers wilt. Chocolates melt. Roaches are forever.

Pyramid Scheme ... ?

2011-02-01T16:23:00.008-05:00

(Photo: Jim Hollander/EPA)

... Egypt's fractured opposition is emphatically insisting that Hosni Mubarak must stand down before any dialogue can begin ...

(Photo: AFP/Pedro Ugarte)

[11 février] ... Hosni Moubarak quitte la présidence du pays et l'armée prend le contrôle du pays ...

Cut And Paste

2011-01-22T12:48:00.005-05:00

... a doctor is accused of wrongfully amputating a man's penis during a routine circumcision ... lawsuit alleges the doctor was not given authorization to remove it ...

Paging Dr Bobbitt, paging Dr Bobbitt ... you're needed in surgery.

Everything's Gone Green

2011-01-06T11:31:00.010-05:00

(Photo: Jane London)

Everything's gone green in British Columbia all right. (And not for the first time, either)

"... test results confirm the green colour in the river was fluorescein," a synthetic organic compound widely used to trace leaks from septic tanks ... Environment Ministry staff do not believe that fish or fish habitat were harmed ...

Yeah ... let's take a wait-and-see approach on that whole "no harm done" argument and see how it goes.

Screw You Scrooge

2010-12-01T10:30:00.003-05:00

Arizona, Oklahoma, Ohio, Tennessee and Kentucky have run out of sodium thiopental, the 'killin juice' used for lethal injections ... Texas has 39 available doses that expire in March and only three executions scheduled before then. Still, Texas isn't sharing because "We have a responsibility to ensure we have an adequate supply of the drug."

But don't worry, neighbors ... a federal judge ruled that Oklahoma can use pentobarbital, the drug used to euthanize animals. Arkansas gave Oklahoma a needed dose to carry out an execution last month.

Palintological Refudiation

2010-11-04T13:46:00.006-04:00

Although a drunken breathalyzer getting arrested for drunk driving is a fantastic metaphor for the asylum masquerading as political discourse in America these days ... why settle for a metaphor?

Erstwhile Alaska gov'nor Sarah Palin tweeted her thoughts (sic) on Tuesday's mid-term elections : "Thanks, Commonsense Constitutional Conservatives, u didn't sit down & shut up ... u refudiated extreme left."

Meanwhile, 20-year-old daughter Bristol was busy doing some refudiating of her own. "I did not send in my absentee ballot in Alaska. I'm going to be in trouble. Sorry, Mom!" Don't feel too bad Bristol. After that Republican landslide we'll all be sorry soon enough.

Bouleversons!

2010-10-20T15:41:00.012-04:00

Les Français ne sont pas faits pour la liberté ...
Ils en abuseraient.

We've come this far, why stop now ... ?

(Photo: AFP)
79% des personnes interrogées se disent favorables à une reprise des négociations avec les syndicats ...

La vraie générosité envers l'avenir consiste à tout donner au présent ...

That's Some Fine Detective Work There, Lou

2010-10-11T16:20:00.002-04:00

Detectives at the scene pronounced Antoine Denis dead but found nothing that suggested a crime had been committed ... Then that damn undertaker goes finding a 5-inch knife in Antoine's back.

Happiness Is A Worm Gun

2010-09-05T16:56:00.007-04:00

Failure to license an imitation weapon will [now] carry a maximum $4500 fine ... "If it looks like a gun and feels like a gun, it will have to be licensed" ... even guns made out of soap or plastic ...

Australia's reasoning seems a little reactionary for a country which considers 5,000 gun deaths to be an epidemic decade ... that's a good month in some places.

Age Of Ignorance

2010-08-28T17:08:00.007-04:00

Go from this ... A nation that continues to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom ...

to this ... Americans don't need to be taught how to give. We don't need to be taught how to take care of each other or how to be charitable ...

... and you'll end up with another Crusade based on myths like this, while your army is indoctrinated like this, as the whole thing runs up astronomical costs like this. But what do you expect when you get crazy people like this believing crazy shit like this ...

Beauty And The Brainless Beast

2010-08-04T11:39:00.007-04:00

Can you spot the fake pageant?

Ms. Wheelchair USA
Ms. Wheelchair America
Miss Junior Wheelchair
Miss Beautiful Morals
Most Beautiful Camel
Ms. Maternity
Miss Strawberry Queen
Miss Deaf Virginia
Miss Milky Way
Miss Sweetheart USA
Miss Turkey Trot and Drumsticks
Miss International
Miss Atom ... Miss Plastic Surgery ... Miss Landmine Survivor

Misstifying ...

Tourist Trap

2010-07-16T16:36:00.007-04:00

Now that the G20 Summit has blown town, the government's plan to boost Canadian tourism can kick into high gear. Toronto, state your strengths :

... the tree of heaven lines downtown sidewalks, takes over parks, backyards and flowers mid-June to mid-July ... nicknames like sperm tree, semen tree, ghetto palm, stink tree and tree of hell (to name a few) are much more descriptive ... "smells like semen"

American Know How

2010-07-08T12:45:00.004-04:00

Just in time for July Fourth, Glenn Beck University joined the American fraternity of higher learning ... uh ... that should read higher earning. And knowing the market in which it will be operating GBU should have no trouble recruiting students.

Theoretical Physics? Get A Job

2010-06-02T10:40:00.008-04:00

Finally, an opinion page worth reading ...

i think the best job in the world must be that of theoretical physicist ... Mel Brooks talks about looking at the ground, that was a good job, he says ... i’d put theoretical physics in that category ... do actual physicists thumb their nose at theoretical physicists? ... the problem is that theoretical physics has some sort of love-hate relationship with practical application ... instead of just lying around daydreaming pal, we’ve got a few problems down here, you know ... there’s a huge oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico ...

Doggone Shitty Shakedown

2010-05-20T13:10:00.006-04:00

Pam Robson "felt as if my integrity was being questioned" after she was fined for picking up the wrong dog shit.

A warden said it was the wrong mess and that he was going to issue me a fine for £50. I picked up the other mess too but he said I'd still be fined.

Bon Appetit

2010-05-19T15:57:00.002-04:00

Shades of Love sells racy lingerie, high heel shoes, and adult toys to enhance a couple's sex life ... some of those items are edible so the San Antonio health department ruled the store needs a food permit.

The Divine Right Of Kings

2010-05-05T11:48:00.002-04:00

Bumper Sticker : Men are idiots. I divorced their king!

Mr Pope : Your honour, my 13-year-old daughter should not see a "billboard" each day describing me as an idiot.

The Judge : Maybe, Sire ... But for all I know, the daughter might say that her parents are idiots. You owe the court $500.

Praise Jesus Properly

2010-04-28T09:52:00.002-04:00

Most young adults today don't pray, don't worship and don't read the Bible, a major survey by a Christian research firm shows ... many are veering to "moralistic therapeutic deism — 'God wants you to be happy and do good things' ... I would not call that Christianity, however."

A crazy Christian speaking truth ... ? Testify!

Toronto Totally Crunk

2010-04-27T10:05:00.029-04:00

(National Post)

I've said it for years, but the city of Toronto is home to some of this planet's stupidest motherfuckers. And they just keep piling it on, as if their only mission in life is to prove my point.

Shortly after 2300 last night yours truly entered St. George subway station, one of three in the city with access to both TTC* subway lines. The ticket collector had come out of her bullet-proof booth to hand out transfers to a bunch of people ... which is kinda strange. Nevertheless, I made a point of showing her my monthly pass and headed for one of the turnstiles to be on my way ... luckily my iPod wasn't ripping tunes to the max.

After nodding in acknowledgment of my paid fare, she returned to her discussion with the dozen or so people milling around the turnstile to advise them there were no east- or westbound trains. What was that?! Thanks for telling me, you lazy fuckin' cum catcher! Fortunately I have the option of going north and taking an alternate route using a bus. But holy shit-burgers Batman, how does this story not even make the news the next day?

On that northbound train the TTC announced there was no power from Ossington to Woodbine stations, a distance easily equaling half the city. At the corner of Yonge and Bloor were two or three hundred people waiting for a bus which was
a) supposed to replace a six-car subway designed to carry hundreds, although a bus holds at most 70 or 80 ...
b) already full ... and
c) conspicuously alone in dealing with this stranded mass of humanity.

A similar emergency shuttle bus had already passed me by and it was impossible not to wonder why more of them hadn't been pressed into service to accommodate all these shipwrecked customers, whose only obvious options were to wait on a bus with ample room for them to get on and to pray** they'd be home before sunrise. This exact same thing happened 6 months ago. So good luck with that G20 Summit in June, assholes.

* [TTC = Take The Car]
**[Never a good sign. If god answered prayers, you'd have a car]

California Cornhole Caper

2010-04-21T15:07:00.009-04:00

Only in California do you find stories with headlines like :
Suspected bomb an anal vibrator ... and opening sentences like :
California Highway Patrol said one of its offices was evacuated due to a suspected bomb in a man's anal cavity that turned out to be a vibrator ...

An Easter Miracle ... Yet Again

2010-04-03T16:03:00.006-04:00

Ann Mintram has praised 'miracle' doctors after she was brought back from the dead 114 times ...

Looks like Christianity's gonna be losing market share.
Yet again.

Mile High Club

2010-03-06T13:29:00.003-05:00

Man sues airline for not looking at his scrotum, reads the headline. It turns out flight attendants refused to inspect his bleeding man-sack before supplying him with sanitary towels. As a result, his dream trip with his wife turned into a nightmare.

Uh, buddy ... your wife?! Hell, if she's too stupid to find a bleeding scrotum try the bathroom mirror.

Monkey Chug

2010-02-27T19:08:00.004-05:00

A retired circus chimpanzee in Russia is impersonating Betty Ford. The beer and cigarettes were ruining him ... He would pester passers-by for booze. Higher primate indeed.

More Lovin, Less Grubbin

2010-02-14T09:13:00.002-05:00

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement believes that phasing out the human race by voluntarily ceasing to breed will allow Earth’s biosphere to return to good health. So skip Valentine's Day romancing with the spouse and concentrate on the mistress instead ...

A People's Voice Lost

2010-01-28T10:30:00.003-05:00

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.

-Howard Zinn

Word Of The Day: Dumbass

2010-01-26T12:19:00.004-05:00

Dictionaries have been removed from classrooms in southern California schools after a parent complained about a child reading the definition for "oral sex" ...

The Big One will certainly be welcome when it hits, what with the San Fernando Valley being the porn capital of the US and all ... and since the term "oral sex" doesn't even appear in the dictionary which was pulled.

The Devil's In The Details

2010-01-16T12:17:00.002-05:00

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Brand New Year, Same Old Fatties

2010-01-07T15:56:00.003-05:00

Apparently Britain's fatties, or "slimmers" as they prefer to be called, are going so crazy over this ad they can hardly finish their fish'n'chips. And justifiably so because "90% of today's children will be overweight or obese in 40 years." God save the queen, the gym running the ad, and all those alien appetizers.

Brand New Year, Same Old Crazy

2010-01-07T15:26:00.003-05:00

That Florida chill is driving drivers extra nuts ... A 92-year-old crashes into a restaurant then calmly gets out of his car. He takes a table, places an order, eats his breakfast, cusses out fellow diners ... whatter you lookin' at?!

Naughy ... Or Nice?

2009-12-24T10:03:00.004-05:00

A Rockhampton dad is accused of forcing his son to have sex with a prostitute because he feared the 14-year-old was gay ... the father walked in and out of the room to check on his son and told him he wanted to see a used condom as proof that they'd had sex.

Ho Ho Hold the hos, hoser.

Copenhagen Coitus [Interruptus]

2009-12-17T16:47:00.004-05:00

The city of Copenhagen wants to discourage delegates from buying sex, despite the fact that it is perfectly legal ... and victimless. Unlike some other popular hobbies we could name.

Sleigh Bells Jingling?

2009-12-08T10:29:00.004-05:00

Mommy, why is Santa naked?

Because Timmy ...

a Texas homeowner adorned his front lawn with Michelangelo's David as a scantily clad Santa.

le 6 décembre 1989

2009-12-06T00:39:00.001-05:00

On December 6, 1989, Marc Lépine entered the École Polytechnique, in Montréal, Québec. He separated the men from the women and declaring his hatred for feminists, killed the following women :

Geneviève Bergeron, 21
Hélène Colgan, 23
Nathalie Croteau, 23
Barbara Daigneault, 22
Anne-Marie Edward, 21
Maud Haviernick, 29
Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31
Maryse Laganière, 25
Maryse Leclair, 23
Anne-Marie Lemay, 27
Sonia Pelletier, 23
Michèle Richard, 21
Annie St-Arneault, 23
Annie Turcotte, 21

War On Xmas

2009-12-01T08:50:00.003-05:00

Campaigners in Austria claim Father Christmas should be ditched ...
Shopkeepers : What should we have instead of a Santa?
Christkind movement : Angels or shepherds. We prefer shepherds to angels.

Extra! Extra!

2009-11-24T17:08:00.003-05:00

Editorial Feud Erects Artistic Six-metre Penis !!

... 'nuff said.

Smokey And The Dumb-Ass Bandit

2009-11-06T14:28:00.007-05:00

For winning those thorny debates with state troopers after they've pulled you over, nobody beats DUmb-assstrategies-Inc*. Confirming that yes, you know you've had a few drinks, demonstrates a reasonable mindset, a person who is willing to bargain. Once this trap has been set, spring it by suddenly reversing course. Flex the inflexibility of your reasoning muscle by refusing to budge, refusing to negotiate your position on the very next point, whatever it happens to be. Tell them flatly that no, a driver of your pedigree doesn't consider blood-alcohol four times the legal limit to be an especially challenging variable, if for no other reason it's part of your daily routine. A firm, friendly "Dude, I do this every night" will suffice.

If it worked for Zachary R. Duis, it can work for you.
Call now.

*For best DUI results, take strategies with outstanding arrest warrants (resisting law enforcement, buying alcohol for minors, etc)

No Costume? Try Pumpkin

2009-11-01T09:09:00.034-05:00

It's wild ...

It's crazy ...

And in the city of Boulder ...

... it makes you a sex offender.

More photos at Naked Pumpkin Run.

Man With A Plan

2009-10-29T10:30:00.004-04:00

Ahmed Muhamed Dore married 17 year-old Safia Abdulleh. And then the 112-year-old groom, who has five previous wives and 13 children, said he's hoping for more offspring. Wow! ... I'd like to get his autograph.

Blood Of The Lamb

2009-10-25T08:54:00.005-04:00

[murdered Catholic priest Ed Hinds] last seen alive after a child safety seminar at the church ... police had been fingerprinting and photographing young children ... investigating possibility killer could have been someone father hinds [sic] had counseled in the past.

Ummm ... Yeee ah.
Investigating is probably a good idea.

Made In America

2009-10-22T16:01:00.006-04:00

"I tend to watch American news. I don't like to watch Canadian news and hear what everybody is saying about me ... My hobby is to watch politics elsewhere."

Evidently Canada's prime minister doesn't care that American news is predominantly make-believe, doesn't give a shit what Canadians think of his ability to govern, and is in no mood to field suggestions for improvement. But at least it helps explain the current government's exceptional and repeated incompetence.

And it helps to explain away some other odd statements as well,
such as : "We also have no history of colonialism." Somewhat.

D'oh!

2009-10-10T09:56:00.006-04:00

"We knew that this would really appeal to the 20-something crowd" said Playboy.

Alright people, we are now way beyond officially fucking weird.
Playboy's new CEO is Scott Flanders. Coincidence ... ?

Getting Dumber By The Day

2009-10-08T13:48:00.004-04:00

This list of Random Thoughts of People Our Age offers 55 revealing gems penned by people born ... oh, let's take a wild guess here ... in the 1980s. Enjoy.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

31. Bad decisions make good stories.

44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

A Dog's Life (Part X)

2009-10-07T16:54:00.003-04:00

The city of Pomona recently had a wild council meeting.

A possibly less-than-credible man during public comment complained that the local minister asked him "to have sex with a young girl," and despite his refusal, he had witnessed parishioners "kissin' on each other and lickin' on a dog."

If you think I'm lyin ask my probation officer ...

Elephant In The Middle Of The Zoo

2009-09-26T10:53:00.010-04:00

I don't believe that it's a place of religious worship, or a place of displaying religious icons. There's a place for that said Jim Blake, national chairman of Concerned Christians Canada.

... yeah. Like the Ministry of Science.

(Courtesy Lotus Sculpture)

Was It Good For You?

2009-09-16T08:53:00.003-04:00

Wichita police say two 44-year-olds climbed into a dumpster and were engaged in "an intimate moment" when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man's wallet.

As it turns out Trishy McTrasherson got off easy. She lives in a country where some states consider getting beaten up by your husband a "pre-existing condition."

Ye Of Little Faith

2009-09-12T09:06:00.002-04:00

The claim that there is a global warming crisis threatening to bring chaos and destruction upon the world is so feeble you were probably feeling skeptical anyway ...

Until evidence like this starts turning up. You fucking nimrods.

Howdy Neighbour (The Sequel)

2009-09-06T22:44:00.002-04:00

Howdy neighbour! Let me tell ya something : this place is far out. Dude, I found a McDonald's as soon as I got here. Bitchin! So I got some questions about, uh ... this is Canada, right? Ok. Here's my list ...

10. At what elevation do the deer turn to elk ... ?
11. How much does that mountain weigh ... ? ... ?!

Horsing Around

2009-09-02T00:16:00.000-04:00

... the owner spotted a bald man without any pants chasing the horse about 3:30 am ...

Head For The Hills

2009-08-23T17:22:00.004-04:00

This guy had a bad day, sure. But at least he got away, unlike Diamondtown. The Pennsylvania town found itself directly beneath a mountainside police training zone.

... wind shifted ... undetected by officers ... pepper spray released ... instead of blowing into woods ... Mount Carmel Township ... "I was very shocked that I would be gassed in my backyard," Sandra Pelus said.

Math : Now With Extra DUH

2009-08-18T08:45:00.005-04:00

... a mathematical exercise in Canada has a serious side ... researchers from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University posed a question: If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?

Wow.
This has got to be one of the most idiotic news items ever.

... they say the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.

Fuckin' wow.

Jesus Christ SuperStar ... Er, SuperFraud

2009-08-15T15:40:00.003-04:00

A Jacksonville woman who said she is Jesus Christ's wife was charged with fraud Monday.

Yeah. But she had to bounce a cheque!

It was signed "Mr. and Mrs. Jesus and Emma Christ." She said Jesus Christ would return next week to sign the paperwork and pick up the car.

Faire Ta Prière Chez Denny's

2009-08-12T18:06:00.004-04:00

Et non seulement à cause de la nouriture que vous allez manger! Selon Jeff Wagg, qui écrit pour la James Randi Educational Foundation et qui défend la pensée critique et étudie les phénomènes paranormaux et surnaturels,

La chaîne de restaurant texane Denny's est au cœur de la polémique depuis que la direction a décidé d'offrir une remise de 10% aux clients qui vont ... à la messe.

"Après cette histoire, je suis allé dans un Denny's en Arizona [au sud-ouest des Etats-Unis] et j'ai demandé si je pouvais bénéficier des 10 % de remise pour les clients qui vont à l'église. Ils m'ont regardé comme si j'étais fou ..."

Walking Wounded

2009-08-07T10:24:00.002-04:00

The Danish Cyclists' Union has figured out the pedestrians of Denmark actually have a higher risk of head injury than cyclists. So remember, people : keep a bike helmet on throughout the day for maximum safety.

Swedish Sausage Shortage

2009-07-24T16:00:00.002-04:00

Problem : Swedish lesbians suck sperm banks dry
Solution : Newcastle Oil of Man

MJ vs. JC

2009-07-07T14:41:00.002-04:00

Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus.

Yours truly,
Some loser.
Stockton, California

Reach Out And Evacuate Someones

2009-07-07T14:06:00.003-04:00

The manager of an Arby's restaurant was duped by a prank caller into pulling a lever triggering fire suppression equipment that soaked the eatery with foam. The caller then told the manager to break the windows and evacuate the building.

Can't these fast-food chains afford caller-ID?

A Free Tip

2009-06-30T20:25:00.002-04:00

A man who gave himself a DIY circumcision using nail clippers was taken to hospital for emergency treatment.

It seems alcohol was involved. So never drink and clip, kids.

Boys Will Be Boys

2009-06-20T12:55:00.011-04:00

Every once in a while Britain's genius comes shining through. The police investigating Members of Parliament who defrauded taxpayers took down a website because on it was a list of MPs who had repaid money including a Richard Packer – an MP who does not exist...

And every once in a short while the teenagers remind us the kingdom's likely plagued by more problematic genetic defects than pompous, self-righteous corruption, which is of course to be found everywhere.

The idea to drive the cars through the school came about as a joke but before we knew it we were at the front doors and it all just seemed to happen, said Oli Stavrakakis.

Persian Impassioned

2009-06-15T00:27:00.005-04:00

(Photo : Olivier Laban-mattei/AFP/Getty Images)

Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s reelection is indeed a testimony of the confidence of the people of Iran in his leadership qualities.

-Tehran Times

The real war is not between the West and the East. The real war is between intelligent and stupid people.

-Marjane Satrapi

McShit With Your Coffee, Ma'am?

2009-06-10T18:22:00.002-04:00

A Regina woman claims she became violently ill last fall after drinking a cup of McDonald's coffee that she claims was contaminated by "human feces."

"McDonald's will vigorously defend its position in court," the company said Tuesday in a news release.

Bitchslapping Mama Gaia

2009-06-05T11:28:00.011-04:00

(Photos: Yann Arthus-Bertrand)

"In 200,000 years on earth, humanity has upset the balance of the planet. Humanity has barely 10 years to reverse the trend."
The green-awareness movie "Home" is being released June 5, World Environment Day, in over 100 countries simultaneously.

Watch Gaia's last stand for free until June 14.

Jesus The Retard Reamer

2009-05-14T16:25:00.002-04:00

Apple continued its unbridled censorship of the iPhone app store by rejecting an application called Fun with Children that depicts Jesus raping retarded children with Hitler's penis.

I'm not sure what their problem is, fumed Happy Funsoft president Angel Goodman. An orphanage for the retarded was burnt to the ground in retaliation.

8 Year Itch

2009-05-03T14:16:00.002-04:00

The judge did say that when the [8-year-old] reached puberty she could seek a divorce [from her 50-year-old husband].

Uh, Governor ... You Gonna Shoot That?

2009-04-05T00:12:00.003-04:00

Police said Diana Palin, half-sister of Alaskan governator Sarah Palin's husband Todd, broke into a home twice - stealing $400 Tuesday and returning Thursday.

So much for 2012, winky. Better luck in 2016.

Darwin's Progeny

2009-03-30T11:06:00.006-04:00

This year's top three finishers in the Tourism Edition of the Darwin Awards are ...

Gold : "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Silver : "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

Bronze : "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

Click here for the complete list of these genetic defectives.

Spellcheck Please

2009-03-27T13:05:00.004-04:00

That Facebook group should read "I Hate Jews" not "I Heart Jews." Our bad.

High School Hijinks

2009-03-19T20:21:00.003-04:00

For all those high school students who need help landing that elusive suspension : you might want to try handing out Viagra to male pupils or repeatedly passing gas to make it difficult to breathe.

And don't forget to save some for your meeting in the principal's office if you need an extra week off.

Straight From The Horse's Mouth

2009-03-12T16:18:00.001-04:00

"Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spit it onto the pavement."

Yes, luckily.

In God We Trust

2009-03-05T15:09:00.003-05:00

A group of Toronto scientists have found the effect God has on a believer's brain. "The more they believe, the less brain activity we see" in the anterior cingulate cortex, a part of the brain that is involved in the experience of anxiety and helps modify behaviour.

So let's sum up : the initial error shuts off the part of the brain used to correct error, making it easier for people to dismiss error, which compounds uncorrected errors, leading back to the initial error in search of relief from the horrors created by all those uncorrected errors.

Well, at least that explains away the atomic bomb.

So Near And Yet So Far ...

2009-03-04T21:07:00.003-05:00

On Monday an asteroid passed 72,000 kilometres from the Earth at 8:34 a.m. ET, according to NASA's Near Earth Object program.

Too bad. Just think of all the problems a collision would have solved.

Captain! Captain! Who's At The Controls?

2009-03-01T08:37:00.003-05:00

Last Friday NPR reported that the US government promised to buy up to 36 percent of Citigroup's common shares in its latest effort to help the troubled bank. You really do have to wonder who's at the controls of the USS Marty Farty because less than a week earlier the Consumerist had this story :

37-year-old Nigerian scammer Paul Gabriel Amos convinced Citibank officials to wire him $27 million belonging to Ethiopia. Amos forged "official-looking" documents that confirmed his status with the central bank and instructed Citibank to await faxes telling them where to send the country's cash.

Should investor confidence really improve upon finding out the FBI arrested Amos when he tried to visit Los Angeles and that eventually Citibank sent the $27 million back to Ethopia ... ?

You Want A Drink With That?

2009-02-26T20:30:00.002-05:00

Firefighters were called to a Kentucky Fried Chicken ... and found three employees disrobed outside of the building ... The workers became suspicious when the caller told them to urinate on each other.

Oh, that Krazy Freakin Colonel.

Don't Adjust Your Set ...

2009-02-11T22:19:00.005-05:00

... our Charles Darwin 200th birthday celebrations will continue in a moment. But first a reality check from our sponsors, who really brought you evolution : St Augustine and Thomas Aquinas.

Jacques le Fataliste

2009-02-10T19:31:00.007-05:00

PARIS – Faced with a gruesome surge in suicides on the Paris train network, France's state rail company is launching a campaign to convince the desperate to choose another way to go.

As Honoré de Balzac once observed, there is something great and terrible about suicide. With "each incident causing massive disruption to up to 100,000 passengers" it's great for practical jokers, terrible for maintenance crews.

Cleanup Time

2009-02-07T07:42:00.002-05:00

A 70-year-old woman returned home, found someone had kicked open the door ... and evidence of sexual activity in the front room. Nothing was missing and damage to the door was estimated at $200, police said.

With South Carolina slipping in the piety polls let's hope the old lady didn't slip on the pecker tracks.

Praise The Lord

2009-02-01T18:12:00.003-05:00

Little Rock - "Businesses, homes here in Arkansas are able to make the decision on whether they want to have people carrying guns on their premise, and we're just trying to give that right to churches as well."

Life would be a lot saner if people just read the product label :
God will provide. Except for shelter, security, food and money.

Cupidité ou Tartuffes Fiscals?

2009-01-29T18:42:00.006-05:00

(Photo: Reuters)

19 heures: C'est l'heure des comptes. Plus d'un million de personnes (1.080.000) selon la police, et 2,5 millions selon la CGT, ont défilé en France aujourd'hui.

-Libération

(Photo: AP/Ena)

« Ce n'est pas aux salariés de payer pour les banquiers »

-Le Figaro

A Dog's Life (Part IX)

2009-01-28T22:13:00.002-05:00

Following up is hard work, but somebody's got to do it. This latest update comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Donald Roy Seigfried received a five-year prison term Monday for videotaping a co-defendant — who got no prison time — as she engaged in sex acts with dogs ... Diane Sue Whalen was recorded on video engaged in sex acts with three dogs.

You know, if you kept a Cerebus at home that would seriously cut your dog food expenses in these tough economic times.

Language!

2009-01-27T21:50:00.002-05:00

Some South Carolina senator is pushing for a bill that would prohibit profanity ... and could land you in jail for up to 5 years ...

And the douchebag might actually get away with it! Debra Gammons of the Charleston School of Law reminds that the First Amendment is not absolute. You cannot say whatever you want whenever you want to.

Well fuck both of you and the horses that rode you in.

Finally!

2009-01-20T21:59:00.004-05:00

I’m the master of low expectations.

***

Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.