Friday, January 18, 2008

So Long Suckers

Picture a wide-eyed, six-year-old boy visiting his grandfather's Port of Spain house, being raised in 1970s Toronto mind you, feet firmly planted atop the concrete half of a green fence, staring out into the street while alternately holding onto, leaning his elbows against or draping his arms overtop the 3-foot wire portion.

Mesmerized, he ignores the Caribbean sun beating down on him as a river of music and writhing costumed bodies, steelbands with their human players and means of propulsion, along with swarms of assorted others whose expected contribution apparently amounts to little more than losing themselves in the sheer mystique of the spectacle, goes thundering up the road and right past the front of the house, some holding drinks, others bottles of beer, a look of ecstasy gripping every visage, every being, as people occasionally drift over to offer words of welcome, shake his hand or run their fingers through his hair in solidarity, singing, chanting, gyrating, chipping in chaotic unison, so obviously and entirely consumed by the mad yet peaceful frenzy their glazed eyes are utterly incomprehensible to the impressionable lad as this boisterous mob, every individual equipped with an electronic device to prevent stumbling it seems, evades six-inch curbs, ditches or potholes, cascading around fire hydrants, lampposts, stop signs and parked cars as effortlessly as a sparkling stream over a pile of drab rocks.

Sadly, the relentless Trinidadian heat forces the woozy youngster indoors...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Shock Rock

TASER International, whose 50,000 volt "electronic control technology" has helped redefine "trigger-happy," knows what you're missing: a new leopard-print stun gun, and an mp3-equipped holster to put it in.

And you thought the Clash was shock therapy.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Seatbelts Save Lives

A man in California suffered serious injuries on Sunday when his car hit a tree "in excess of 60 mph. He was found still in the driver's seat, unrestrained, next to the 12-pack of beer secured by a seatbelt." Well, at least he's got his priorities in order.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Hung Like A Horse? Yes Deer

SUPERIOR, Wis. - A Wisconsin man convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer has been sentenced to nine more months in jail. Bryan James Hathaway, 21, was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it.

A real animal in the sack, eh?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I Can See For Miles And Miles

The astronomical observatory that has been part of Castel Gandolfo, south of Rome, for more than 75 years [is being dismantled]. The Pope needs more room to receive diplomats so the telescopes have to go. Benedict is far less receptive to what scientists want to tell him than his recent predecessors. He has, for example, spoken in favour of intelligent design, in flat contradiction of the views of the observatory's former director.

Sixteenth century here we come, when the human eye was the measure of all things cosmic.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

You Know It's A Bad Day When ...

No Adapt, No Adopt

After six years of childless marriage, John and Cynthia Burke of Newark decided to adopt a baby boy through a state agency ... a line on the application asked for the couple's religious affiliation. John Burke, an atheist, and his wife, a pantheist, left the line blank. Last year the Burkes presented their adopted son, David, now 31, with a baby sister, Eleanor Katherine, now 17 months, whom they acquired from the same East Orange agency.

Since the agency endorsed the adoption, the required final approval by a judge was expected to be pro forma. Instead, Superior Court Judge William Camarata raised the religious issue. In an extraordinary decision, Judge Camarata denied the Burkes' right to the child because of their lack of belief in a Supreme Being.

"No person shall be deprived of the inestimable privilege of worshiping Almighty God in a manner agreeable to the dictates of his own conscience."
First of all, Eleanor Katherine has "her" own conscience. And second of all, doesn't this mixed-up judge know his own goddamn Bible? If god had intended for all adopted children to practice the religion of the adopting parents, we never would have heard about Moses. Therefore no religion is just as good as ... well, it's better in fact.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008