Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sant-a Clause Is Go-ing To Town

For all those people on your list who are impossible to shop for, here are some last-minute gift ideas worth considering.

Face Transplant

Does your your stock broker need some freshening up after a rough year? Then how about a new and improved face? It's the best cure for the common face plant, but is especially handy for that special someone on your Christmas hit list.
A lunar burial : the gift of eternal bliss. And helping to foil all those pesky maggots and real estate developers offers a bonus to the giver : you won't hear any more complaints about peed-on headstones, rampant weeds or infrequent visits. Blow that special someone sky high.

Suntan Lotion
You may want to leave a tube of this perennial stocking-stuffer out with the milk and cookies this year. With solar winds pouring in at 1 million mph through a 4,000-mile tear in Earth's protective magnetosphere, he'll need it. As will all the face plants in your new Blackberry.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Hot Headed, Cold Hearted

With the Canadian parliament currently suspended because the PM decided he didn't want to face a financial confidence vote, a vote which he orchestrated incidentally, his government has decided to demonstrate its fiduciary responsibility by not send[ing] one of Canada's leading scientists to the international climate talks in Poland.

According to the CBC Don MacIver, chair of the organizing committee for the World Meteorological Organization's climate conference, was due to deliver a speech and his
travel costs were to be covered by the WMO but Ottawa declined to give him permission to attend.

Environment Minister Jim Prentice said civil servants at Environment Canada made the decision based on financial constraints.

"The objective was to have a somewhat smaller delegation than we have had in the past in the interests of fiscal prudence," Prentice told reporters on Friday from the United Nations climate change conference Poznan, Poland

After all, what's global warming compared to Mammon?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Santa Claus Goes Postal

Every day is Christmas Day in Santa Claus, Indiana. The town's post office, the only one in the world bearing the name of Santa Claus, gets more than a half-million pieces of mail a year - about 10,000 from kids, the rest from adults who want the Santa Claus, Ind., postmark on their Christmas cards.

Click here and scroll down for cards you can send these genetic defectives.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Santa Has His No-Fear Reindeer

Just when all you pet owners were about to give up, now you can take them to meet Florida's pet Santa.

"I've been peed on by dogs, pooped on by birds," Bob Hutchinson said. "But pets still are way easier than kids" ... "We've had chickens, frogs, iguanas, chameleons, rats, gerbils, rabbits, sugar gliders, tarantulas and even a skunk [an event photographer said] ... Santa has no fear."

Better Luck Next Life

Hey Lehman Brothers, how's the bankruptcy business these days? ... Not bad. We just sold our French investment-banking unit for one Euro.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

le 6 décembre, 1989

On December 6, 1989, Marc Lépine entered the École Polytechnique, in Montréal, Québec. He separated the men from the women and declaring his hatred for feminists, killed the following women :

Geneviève Bergeron, 21
Hélène Colgan, 23
Nathalie Croteau, 23
Barbara Daigneault, 22
Anne-Marie Edward, 21
Maud Haviernick, 29
Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31
Maryse Laganière, 25
Maryse Leclair, 23
Anne-Marie Lemay, 27
Sonia Pelletier, 23
Michèle Richard, 21
Annie St-Arneault, 23
Annie Turcotte, 21

Check out the Canadian Research Institute for the Advancement of Women ... ou bien, l'Institut Canadien de Recherche sur les Femmes ... for more info. The Fact Sheets are a stunning litany of horrors but enlightening nevertheless.

Friday, December 05, 2008


Today is Repeal Day in the U.S., the constitutional revocation of Prohibition. With each passing year it grows in significance : because really, who needs alcohol more these days than all those newly jobless Americans?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Yuletime Fixins

British cuisine strikes again.

More than 160 mountain bikers fell ill with food poisoning ... the muddy mountain cycle course was heavily contaminated with sheep droppings.