Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Sperm For Sale [Kinda]

In a truly remarkable confluence of neurotic religious segregation and scientific social engineering,

A BIZARRE row is set to erupt over claims that reproductive donors will be given the right to direct their sperm or eggs not go to certain groups such as Muslims, Jews, single mothers or lesbians.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cage Without A Key

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Drunk Skunk Hump

A Winnipeg man turned an East Kildonan garage into an impromptu passion pit [and] paid a stiff price yesterday for his heavy petting session with a stuffed toy dog.

"He was lying there with his genitalia exposed next to the stuffed dog," said Crown attorney John Peden. " ... the dog might be appropriately characterized as now being anatomically correct, as opposed to its condition before he removed it."

Defence lawyer Chris McCoy said his client, who has a history of domestic violence offences and court breaches, gets himself into trouble when he has been drinking.

"All (his offences) involve being drunk, usually drunk as a skunk," he said.

Ah, those crazy Canucks.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Patent This, Baldy

Evidently you can patent anything in the U.S.

On May 10, 1977, for example, Patent # 4,022,227 was issued to Frank J. Smith of Orlando, Florida, for his "method ... wherein the hair on a person's head is folded over the bald area ..."

In other words, Mr. Smith patented the comb-over.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Buttcheek Banditos

Stories like this one are what keep me blogging. Really.

... in Valentine, Nebraska someone slathered his bare backside — and front side — with Vaseline, then left prints on windows of businesses, schools and churches ... the pants-dropping perpetrator's spree began in May ... a local radio station dubbed them "the buttcheek bandits."

"It's just weird enough to cause a little bit of concern," said Valentine Police Chief Ben McBride. "Who in their right mind would do something like that?"

Raindance Hootenanny

Rockefeller "Rocky" Twyman, the public relations executive and musician, said "I think the governor is on the right track."

Governor Sonny Perdue has asked Georgians to pray for rain today, and at lunchtime will convene with various religious and political leaders on the steps of the state Capitol to seek divine intervention in the state's months-long drought.

Sorry guvn'r. But if you really need some water, why put your faith in God when you can put your faith in the neighbours?

... one home in suburban Atlanta ... according to county records ... uses an average of 390,000 gallons of water, every month. Last month? He used 440,000 gallons. Enough to fill 1000 hot tubs and then some

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Go To The Source

The UK's Anorak has staked out an interesting niche for itself : "Keeping Tabs on the Tabloids." The Strange But True section (not to be confused with the strange-but-true stories appearing as news in the tabloids) is especially juicy. Here are three sample headlines :

Getting On His Wick : Monk Gets Candle Stuck In Penis

... trainee monk Dumitru Ilie is said to have got "hammered" and spent the night with a woman who may or may not have been a nun.

In the morning Dumitru awoke full of regret and with a candle wedged up his penis.

Stripper Booked For School Drama Class
...drama class ... halfway through the ... a knock at the door. "Something is about to happen," says the teacher. The "birthday boy," 16, is fitted with a collar and led around the room on all fours. The woman strips down to her bra and knickers. Cream is rubbed over the boy's body.

"That's it. That's enough," says the teacher. That's drama.

Man Charged For Having Sex With A Bicycle : Boneshaker Arrested
THERE is no gentle way of saying this : Robert Stewart has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught "trying" to have sex with a bicycle.

Coitus interruptus accidentallus may have had something to do with the choice of the verb "trying" over the verb "having" in that last sentence.

Pimpin' Your Pimpin'

Bishop backs brothel regulation

A Roman Catholic bishop in the southern English port city of Portsmouth is backing a campaign to legalize brothels without in any way condoning them.

I would be very much happier if there was no prostitution in Portsmouth," he told The Portsmouth News. "But it's going to be there whatever we do and it has been from time immemorial. So I think that is something we have to be realistic about."

Pimpin' Your Ride

The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an "Islamic car", designed for Muslim motorists ... The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.

What good is a compass that helps you get to Mecca instead of where you're going?

Faking It ... Now REALLY Legal!

Borelli had a map of midtown on his desk, and noted that this magazine story was likely to be written and edited in a building whose address is 4 Times Square—an honorific that predates his taking office, two years ago.

"You could say that it’s across the street from 1 Times Square or 6 Times Square
... [but ...?] "I’m being facetious, because where are those places?"

His map showed that 2 Times Square is five blocks north of Nos. 1, 3, and 4.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Faking It ... Now Legal!

A Sioux Falls man caught in the Washington Pavilion having simulated sex with a mannequin didn't commit a crime of indecent exposure, the state Supreme Court says

... overturning a lower court's decision.


A German bank manager gave loans to a woman for sex and then embezzled thousands of euros to buy the silence of her relatives.

When the man realised he could not offer the jobless woman a loan because of her poor credit history, he offered to lend her the money personally in return for sexual favours ... The 31-year-old then stole the money from the bank. The pair continued their arrangement for the next three years.

Sex and money. What a neat idea.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

What Number Were You Calling, Sir?

James Macnair, 35, was arrested by Clarkstown police yesterday afternoon when he was accused of breaking into Elim Alliance Church on Lake Road and using the church's phone to call a sex hotline.

Macnair told police that he broke into the same church Friday for the same purpose
[and] was charged with two-counts of burglary, felonies, and misdemeanors of possession of burglars tools and petty larceny.

If Macnair's lawyer has his wits about him, three arguments should suffice to get his client off.

1. Christians are supposed to be charitable. Sometimes a guy just has to go.
2. The church's tax-free status. It can afford to pay for the calls. And then some.
3. The reverend isn't seriously suggesting that Macnair's the first one to use Elim's telephone to call a sex hotline, is he?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

2 For 1

Want to know how to get booked on charges of indecent exposure and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon in one fell swoop? Click here.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Holy Orders

Here's a piece of bad news. The religious fanatics of the Vatican and Saudi Arabia cause enough harm all by their lonesome selves. If they are discussing making peace that spells BIG trouble for the rest of us. (Amen) According to the BBC :

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia is at the Vatican for what will be the first audience by the head of the Roman Catholic Church with a Saudi monarch. Vatican sources said the agenda for talks would include the Middle East conflict and inter-faith dialogue.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Dog's Life (Part IV)

Isn't it high time we curb at least some of our ludicrous and commercialistic urges?

One of New England's oldest soda bottling companies has launched a new product. Avery's Beverages, the 103-year-old city company, began selling Woof Water, a bottled water for dogs and their companions, this past week.

General Manager Rob Metz said customers told him they wanted a water they could share with their pets.

Now people want to share water with their pets?! Isn't the bottled water craze already out of control? And how long before New Englanders start sharing other things with their dogs, like some people do in Saginaw and Tacoma?

Election Day Bacchanal

Trinidad and Tobago goes to the polls on Nov. 5 in what is clearly one of the most keenly contested general elections in nearly 21 years, with three political parties in a fight to control this twin-island republic and its vast energy wealth.

Opinion polls, which have rarely been accurate in this country, are showing a wide variation in support for the different parties. While the polls provide good media fodder, voter opinion can be also be gauged at party rallies and meetings, which are more like block parties with popular music and entertainment.

There are more than 900,000 electors on the official voters list, including 18,000 Commonwealth citizens who have lived here for at least two years. There are 120 candidates, including nine independents, running for the 41 seats.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Only In New York

MORE than one in 10 people who kill themselves in Manhattan are "suicide tourists" who travel to the Big Apple especially ... Among the top choices for out-of-towners taking their own lives were the iconic Empire State Building, Times Square and the George Washington Bridge, according to the study by the New York Academy of Medicine.[Strailia]
Only in New York, you say? Yeah right.

Friday, November 02, 2007


(Photo : Daily Mail)
New technology that can make tanks invisible has been unveiled by the Ministry of Defence ... the [British] Army predicted that an invisible tank would be ready for service by 2012.

The new technology uses cameras and projectors to beam images of the surrounding landscape onto a tank ... anyone looking in the direction of the vehicle only sees what is beyond it and not the tank itself.
The story goes on to say they are also "testing a military jacket that works on the same principles," which ought to come in handy for the home side in 2012 ... coincidence? Who needs performance-enhancing drugs when you've got invisibility on your side?

Thursday, November 01, 2007


McMINNVILLE, Or. - "This unique work of art is very important, personal and irreplaceable to the artist," Michael Dressel, director of Linfield Campus Safety, said in a press release.

Staff and students are offering a $500 reward for the return of "The Sexy Sex: All Nude Revue Rug One," a supine, life-size self-portrait made of one-inch thick wool.

Don't wipe your feet on it, Mr. Thief.