Monday, March 31, 2008

Out Of Touch

And in our latest round of research gone bezerk, a British study discovered 48 per cent of females and 58 per cent of males admitting to feelings of anxiety. Anxiety over what, you ask.

Why, the latest in our list of neverending stresses of course :
"nomophobia", the fear of being out of mobile phone contact.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Table Manners

Consider yourself lucky if you've never been invited to lunch at this guy's house.

Arthur Price admitted [to police] that he had sex with the picnic table ... he also had sex with the table inside the home.

Portland Power

(Photo : Clackamas County Sheriff's Office)
West Linn Police officers arrested a Portland man, who claimed to work for Portland General Electric, for stealing downed power lines after construction workers called to report the man's suspicious mode of transporting the wires.

Uh, can you blame them?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Noah, Where Art Thou Now?

Crackpot or visionary, climate change scientist James Lovelock says by 2040, the world population of more than six billion will have been culled by floods, drought and famine.

"I reckon there are about 80 per cent more people than the world can carry," he says sanguinely.
Not to worry, Dr. Lovelock. Humanity specializes in liquidating superfluous ne'er-do-wells.

Friday, March 21, 2008

A Dog's Life (Part VI)

ACTUAL HEADLINE : Dog gets testicular implants

Crazy Canucks

OTTAWA -- Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day* says he is waiting for details on how the blueprints for [a] new counter-terrorism building ended up in a garbage can in downtown Ottawa. "I'll wait for details on that and we'll see and we'll find out how that happened," Mr. Day said.

Maybe a dinosaur ate 'em and afterwards took a shit in the garbage can, Mr. Public Safety Minister.

* [The original link is dead, so it has been replaced with a Globe & Mail link. The phrasing posted above, however, remains the original as it appeared in the National Post story. jp]

Ruben 22, Death 0

(Photo AP/BBC)
A 47-year-old decorator in the Philippines has been crucified for the 22nd time in a gruesome Easter ritual. Ruben Enaje, "the first of 19 men who underwent the bloody ritual," calls his annual immolation a "pledge to God."

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Church Cock Of The Year

Most people immediately think of some high church official or people who "spearhead campaigns to remove lingerie-clad models from Victoria's Secret windows [because] those images lead to the prevalence of sexually transmitted disease and increased sexual activity among teenagers" when they first hear about this award. But neither of those won. Really.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Beauty Pageant Quiz

Was a respected Saudi cleric [who] recently issue a decree against them, saying that they encouraged pride ... referring to :

(a) sleeveless, low-cut dresses worn by Miss America contestants
(b) Miss World pageants in Islamic countries
(c) fake hips, lips, or tits
(d) none of the above ?

Since you can't resist (d) anyhow, you may as well know that the offending practice falls under the heading of "Camel beauty pageants."

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Workaholic Inc.

The good ol' Protestant work ethic that once exemplified the American Republic seems to be on the wane. Nevermind the blatant corruption of predatory lending practices (i.e., subprime mortgages) or running up the cost of oil by fighting wars of liberation, now we're talking about the average Joe and Josephina.

An annual Harris Interactive survey spoke to over 3,000 human resources people who do the hiring and culled "the most outrageous interview mistakes by candidates" :

- Candidate flushed the toilet while talking to interviewer during phone interview.

- When an applicant was offered food before the interview, he declined saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.

- Candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't be able to stay with the job long because he thought he might get an inheritance if his uncle died -- and his uncle wasn't "looking too good."

Defame Islam, Get Sued?

Delegates were given a voluminous report by the OIC that recorded anti-Islamic speech and actions from around the world. The report concludes that Islam is under attack and that a defense must be mounted ... The report urges the creation of a "legal instrument" to crack down on defamation of Islam.

"There can be no freedom without limits," said Senegal's President Abdoulaye Wade, the chairman of the 57-member Organization of the Islamic Conference. "I don't think freedom of expression should mean freedom from blasphemy."

Well that's too goddamned bad because if anything constitutes freedom of expression, it's blasphemy.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Dog's Life (Part V)

Well, if Disney's new adult-oriented "Night Kingdom" doesn't include a Barnyard ride complete with Goofy and Pluto chasing your Edsel, you'll know something is seriously wrong in America. And here's why :

A 20-year-old Wichita man pleaded guilty to misdemeanor sodomy today for having sex with a dog; lawyers will now argue over whether he should have to register as a sex offender ... Kansas' sodomy law makes having sex with an animal a crime punishable by up to six months in jail.

And the fact that "Joshua Coman pleaded guilty to a similar charge last year in Reno County" simply means Kansas fits right in with Michigan and Washington. We'll keep adding states as they turn up.

Watch Where You Put Those Ears, Mickey

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Disney is exploring the possibility of building a new theme park geared toward adults ... called "Night Kingdom."

About freakin' time.

Pi In The Sky

The rough ratio of pi 3.14 gives us the date for Pi Day. March 14, or 3/14 in American dating style, makes sense for a celebration of this famous constant.

For 3,500 years, humankind has attempted to solve the puzzle of pi, also called "squaring the circle", calculating the exact ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Two Much ...

"What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier," said James Ellis, a neighbor ...

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," said Ness City Kansas Sheriff Bryan Whipple ... "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body."

That's what happens when you spend two years on the shitter.

[Update March 20]
Boyfriend Kory McFarren, 37, has been arrested and charged with mistreating a dependent adult. That's what you get for not pushing somebody off the shitter after the first couple of months.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Moral Misfits

The Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal/media circus is rolling nicely now, snowballing towards a typical American feeding frenzy. (Remember now : according to reliable media outlets, before becoming governor "Spitzer prosecuted at least two prostitution rings as head of the state's organized crime task force.") He hasn't resigned yet, but has been spoiling for a fight for a while so that's to be expected. Then, outta nowhere ...

... along comes the police chief of Tehran to make Spitzer look like a weak but faithful family man who just got caught inadvertently making eyes at some cutesy Disney World ride operator.

The Police Commander in charge of implementing Islamic Morality has been arrested in a residence in company of six women whom he had ordered to make their prayer completely nude, according to well informed sources and independent internet sites.

Meanwhile, the women of Iran were busy getting themselves arrested on Saturday, as part of their IWD routine.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

The School Of Hard Knocks

Two 14-year-old boys were caught taking Viagra in school.

It would seem the British are finally trying to stiffen something besides the upper lip. And now that the House of Lords has finally abolished the blasphemy law, maybe Britons can start reading more steamy French literature.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Pick Your Poison

Man, the media's religion-based feeding frenzy is seriously spinning out of control. As if Moses the stoner wasn't bad enough, these other bizarre stories have also cropped up :

1. the pope is planning an April mass at Yankee Stadium
2. woman jailed for worshipping tea pot [actual headline]
3. the Vatican will begin training priests "to be less aggressive and more understanding" during confession, effectively making the sacrament completely useless [what good is obtaining a confession if flogging the confessor's conscience is no longer encouraged?]
4. fasting from technology gains popularity [this is another actual headline ... "pastor Eric Bonness recommends fasting from cell phones, texting, the Internet or TV" ... but then how do you expect people to keep up to date, pastor know it all?]

Some Dead Coral With Your Sand, Sir?

What's the best response to the willful, near-total and continued destruction of our oceans? Why, build a hotel of course!

The Poseiden Undersea Resort hasn't quite opened as yet but soon you too will be able to look out your window and, through the murky waters, enjoy miles of barren, sandswept sea floors and schools of tranquil fish, floating past upside down as they gently ride the ocean currents. Book now, before the best rooms are gone. Or an oil-drilling platform falls into the main dining area.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Stone[d] Tablets

It's a good thing Professor Benny Shanon is Jewish, otherwise we might have had a religious war on our hands. Evidently, Moses dropped the tablet containing Commandments 11 through 15. (Hey, Mel Brooks was right!) According to Shanon, we lost out on edicts such as Thou shalt not bogart thy joint and Thou shalt not submit shepherds to mandatory urine samples. Check it out :

When Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, he was summoned right to the top of Mount Sinai. But the man who led the Children of Israel to safety may have been even higher at the time, if an Israeli academic is to be believed. Psychology professor Benny Shanon says it was likely Moses was hallucinating under the influence of a mind-altering drug at the time of his biblical achievements.

To back up his theory, Professor Shanon says the acacia tree, frequently mentioned in the Bible, contains one of the most psychedelic substances known to man. The professor, who came up with his theory after experiencing firsthand the effects of a hallucinogenic brew used in religious rituals in Brazil, said the story of Moses and the burning bush also had the hallmarks of a psychedelic experience.

Writing in the journal Time And Mind, the professor said the telltale signs of drug-induced visions included a loss of sense of time, seeing bright lights or fire, the blurring of the senses and profound religious and spiritual feelings.

Of course, whenever we offered this theory as a smart-ass reply in high school, two assumptions were always in play :

1. This theory would eventually go mainstream.
2. This theory would always get you kicked out of religion class (so you could go do some hallucinogens and be closer to God).

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Bet You Never Saw This Coming

... a 77-year-old pensioner caused a crash on the A9 when he parked his tractor and trailer across the dual carriageway. He admitted driving carelessly while knowing he had defective eyesight.

In point of fact, Robert Simpson is registered blind.