A Free Tip

A man who gave himself a DIY circumcision using nail clippers was taken to hospital for emergency treatment.

It seems alcohol was involved. So never drink and clip, kids.

Boys Will Be Boys

Every once in a while Britain's genius comes shining through. The police investigating Members of Parliament who defrauded taxpayers took down a website because on it was a list of MPs who had repaid money including a Richard Packer – an MP who does not exist...

And every once in a short while the teenagers remind us the kingdom's likely plagued by more problematic genetic defects than pompous, self-righteous corruption, which is of course to be found everywhere.

The idea to drive the cars through the school came about as a joke but before we knew it we were at the front doors and it all just seemed to happen, said Oli Stavrakakis.

Persian Impassioned

(Photo : Olivier Laban-mattei/AFP/Getty Images)

Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s reelection is indeed a testimony of the confidence of the people of Iran in his leadership qualities.

-Tehran Times

The real war is not between the West and the East. The real war is between intelligent and stupid people.

-Marjane Satrapi

McShit With Your Coffee, Ma'am?

A Regina woman claims she became violently ill last fall after drinking a cup of McDonald's coffee that she claims was contaminated by "human feces."

"McDonald's will vigorously defend its position in court," the company said Tuesday in a news release.

Bitchslapping Mama Gaia

(Photos: Yann Arthus-Bertrand)

"In 200,000 years on earth, humanity has upset the balance of the planet. Humanity has barely 10 years to reverse the trend."
The green-awareness movie "Home" is being released June 5, World Environment Day, in over 100 countries simultaneously.

Watch Gaia's last stand for free until June 14.

Jesus The Retard Reamer

Apple continued its unbridled censorship of the iPhone app store by rejecting an application called Fun with Children that depicts Jesus raping retarded children with Hitler's penis.

I'm not sure what their problem is, fumed Happy Funsoft president Angel Goodman. An orphanage for the retarded was burnt to the ground in retaliation.

8 Year Itch

The judge did say that when the [8-year-old] reached puberty she could seek a divorce [from her 50-year-old husband].

Uh, Governor ... You Gonna Shoot That?

Police said Diana Palin, half-sister of Alaskan governator Sarah Palin's husband Todd, broke into a home twice - stealing $400 Tuesday and returning Thursday.

So much for 2012, winky. Better luck in 2016.

Darwin's Progeny

This year's top three finishers in the Tourism Edition of the Darwin Awards are ...

Gold : "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Silver : "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

Bronze : "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

Click here for the complete list of these genetic defectives.

Spellcheck Please

That Facebook group should read "I Hate Jews" not "I Heart Jews." Our bad.

High School Hijinks

For all those high school students who need help landing that elusive suspension : you might want to try handing out Viagra to male pupils or repeatedly passing gas to make it difficult to breathe.

And don't forget to save some for your meeting in the principal's office if you need an extra week off.

Straight From The Horse's Mouth

"Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spit it onto the pavement."

Yes, luckily.

In God We Trust

A group of Toronto scientists have found the effect God has on a believer's brain. "The more they believe, the less brain activity we see" in the anterior cingulate cortex, a part of the brain that is involved in the experience of anxiety and helps modify behaviour.

So let's sum up : the initial error shuts off the part of the brain used to correct error, making it easier for people to dismiss error, which compounds uncorrected errors, leading back to the initial error in search of relief from the horrors created by all those uncorrected errors.

Well, at least that explains away the atomic bomb.

So Near And Yet So Far ...

On Monday an asteroid passed 72,000 kilometres from the Earth at 8:34 a.m. ET, according to NASA's Near Earth Object program.

Too bad. Just think of all the problems a collision would have solved.

Captain! Captain! Who's At The Controls?

Last Friday NPR reported that the US government promised to buy up to 36 percent of Citigroup's common shares in its latest effort to help the troubled bank. You really do have to wonder who's at the controls of the USS Marty Farty because less than a week earlier the Consumerist had this story :

37-year-old Nigerian scammer Paul Gabriel Amos convinced Citibank officials to wire him $27 million belonging to Ethiopia. Amos forged "official-looking" documents that confirmed his status with the central bank and instructed Citibank to await faxes telling them where to send the country's cash.

Should investor confidence really improve upon finding out the FBI arrested Amos when he tried to visit Los Angeles and that eventually Citibank sent the $27 million back to Ethopia ... ?

You Want A Drink With That?

Firefighters were called to a Kentucky Fried Chicken ... and found three employees disrobed outside of the building ... The workers became suspicious when the caller told them to urinate on each other.

Oh, that Krazy Freakin Colonel.

Don't Adjust Your Set ...

... our Charles Darwin 200th birthday celebrations will continue in a moment. But first a reality check from our sponsors, who really brought you evolution : St Augustine and Thomas Aquinas.

Jacques le Fataliste

PARIS – Faced with a gruesome surge in suicides on the Paris train network, France's state rail company is launching a campaign to convince the desperate to choose another way to go.

As Honoré de Balzac once observed, there is something great and terrible about suicide. With "each incident causing massive disruption to up to 100,000 passengers" it's great for practical jokers, terrible for maintenance crews.

Cleanup Time

A 70-year-old woman returned home, found someone had kicked open the door ... and evidence of sexual activity in the front room. Nothing was missing and damage to the door was estimated at $200, police said.

With South Carolina slipping in the piety polls let's hope the old lady didn't slip on the pecker tracks.

Praise The Lord

Little Rock - "Businesses, homes here in Arkansas are able to make the decision on whether they want to have people carrying guns on their premise, and we're just trying to give that right to churches as well."

Life would be a lot saner if people just read the product label :
God will provide. Except for shelter, security, food and money.