Spare Us, Oh Lord

During the property boom, many churches took out loans to refurbish or enlarge ... Since 2010, 270 churches have been sold after defaulting.

America's hyper-religiosity just might be in trouble when the U.S. Bowling Congress reports probably fewer than 200 church bowling alleys are left ... Perhaps snack bars will convince the flocks to return.

Lady & The [Fat] Tramp

... a study found 41 million dogs and 47 million cats are overweight or obese, 53% percent of adult dogs and 55% of cats ... "I didn't notice the weight creeping on. All of a sudden he was just this fat dog," said owner Kim Stevens. "He's about 82 pounds right now, and he should be 62" ...

Nothing says love like failing to notice an extra 20 pounds. I wonder how this problem is playing out in Germany, where the number of "animal brothels" is on the rise because zoophilia is considered merely a "lifestyle choice, and thus more acceptable." Well, as long as the fat animals get a little lovin' too, that's what's important.

And in the way of public service announcements if you're stumped for cool gifts this Valentine's Day, just remember guys : Flowers wilt and chocolates melt ... but roaches are forever.

Let The Good Times Roll

In honour of the recently completed New Year's Eve tradition of binge drinking, a few alcohol-related riddles ... Would booze nutrition labels make you drink smarter? ... Where's my can of whiskey? ... Are we drunk yet? ... Can you dislocate your jaw by simply vomiting?

The Meaning Of Xmas

Looking for the perfect Christmas gift? Ignore the manufacturer’s claim that it’s "gone" — you can still find a good old Flush N’ Fish if you know where to look ... How about a rotating ice-cream cone that does the hard work for you? Do your part for global obesity this holiday season.

And be sure to stay away from church, especially if you’re in Kentucky ... where a small Pike County church has voted not to accept interracial couples as members ... that's how real Christians do Xmas. Not like those heathen Japanese.

7 Billion & ... A Little Fertility-Obsessed?

Holding "celebrations" in honour of our infestation having reached 7 billion is way out of line, people. In January 2009 Nadya Suleman, who began pumping out IVF specimens at 21 years of age in 2001, famously became the Octomom. Then in October 2009 Ahmed Muhamed Dore, a 112-year-old man whose five previous wives had already dropped 13 children, marries 17-year-old Safia Abdulleh. Obviously, his PR staff advised him that he had to say stuff like he "would like to have more with his new wife." Otherwise he looks like just another run-of-the-mill pervert, or a gold-digger trying to gouge the Viagra marketing department out of tons of sponsorship dollars. And now,

Susan Tollefsen, one of Britain’s oldest first-time mothers after IVF treatment at the age of 57, is being forced to cope as the country’s oldest single mother ... Tollefsen defended her right to have another child despite her age and health problems, including being deaf in one ear and having a replaced knee, but the couple eventually decided not to go ahead.

Well, we're nothing if not consistent because, apparently, even in these enlightened times the occasional "toyboy" is selfish enough to ditch the 61-year-old mother of his 3-year-old child. Of course, it's been über-crazy since at least June 2010 when

... the world's oldest mother is dying just 18 months after giving birth at the age of 70 ... too weak to recover from complications after her IVF pregnancy, as it emerged that a 66-year-old has become the oldest woman in the world to have triplets.

Meery Christmas, Suckers

Little Frank, Goldie and Myrrh, "the third litter of meerkats born to Kate and Wills this year, are in for a bit of a surprise as we transform their enclosure, which is currently decorated in a desert setting, to incorporate a nativity theme ..."

[The meerkat surprise is sprung Saturday November 12]

D'oh!

Now here's a piece of bad news ...

The future of The Simpsons is in doubt after 20th Century Fox Television said it could no longer afford to produce the show without its voice actors taking a huge pay cut ... the show generates billions of dollars.

Excellent ... really excellent.

Crazy Trigger Happy

In Florida, you may post a "No Guns Allowed" sign in :
(a) government buildings
(b) libraries
(c) airports
(d) none of the above

Shit, if Jesus loves nukes then what's the fuckin' problem peaceniks?!

DUMBASS Alert

When jp first heard the term "planking" it sounded like an idea with real potential. After all, smacking people at random with a plank of wood just might raise humanity's collective IQ a little ...

[Oops! My bad.]

Anyhow, it turns out that even consummate horn dog Hugh Hefner feels the need to dumbass it up from time to time, or else he's covering up for a crazy bender ... Either way, as somebody far wiser than myself said : there's a reason planker rhymes with wanker ...

And just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, it turns out Owling is the new Planking ...

Watering Down

Experts now warn that drinking eight glasses of water a day is ‘not only nonsense, but thoroughly debunked nonsense’ ... So smarten up, and have some of this organic water ... although water by definition is inorganic.

Smells Like ... Pee

"Do you want to drink pee?"

... the Water Bureau said about 7.8 million gallons of drinking water will be discarded because a 21-year-old man admitted urinating in a reservoir ...

Smells Like ... Shit

"The supervisor tried to detain the suspect, but he ran away covered in feces," according to a Boulder Police news release.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news :

... soda fountain machines may be squirting out liquids contaminated with fecal bacteria ... self-serve or behind the counter, nearly half of all sodas dispensed from 30 machines had coliform bacteria ...

"We're basically bathed in feces as a society" said Philip Tierno, director of Clinical Microbiology and Immunology at New York University Langone Medical Center ...

Smells Like ... Insanity

"I love that smell of the emissions!"

[Update, June 22]

Former half-term Gov. Sarah Palin has reportedly packed in her bus tour ... halfway through.

[/Update]

Lord, Wherefore Art Thou?

A Kansas man was taken to hospital for "mental evaluation" after police found a week-old corpse in his apartment. He said he was "praying for divine intervention to bring his fiancee back to life."

So in Kansas, a citizen prays for divine intervention : lunatic asylum ... but in Texas, a state prays for divine intervention : cost-effective government.

Victorian Voiding

(Photo: Adrian Lam/Postmedia News)

... public urination was reaching a breaking point in the B.C. capital with city workers counting more than 30,000 liters of urine collected within a year ... it’s a male-only device device of course and the $60,000 facility isn’t so much a bathroom appliance as a piece of public art.

God Save [Us From] The Queen

There will be no kiss during the wedding ceremony ... We don't do that in the Church of England.(Image: Castle Rock Brewery)

Luckily, an India Pale Ale has been brewed in honour of the royal wedding : Arise Prince Willy wants to take the wheels off the royal wedding bandwagon ... A beer should be brewed with a purpose, not just because some toffs are getting married ... The Royal Virility Performance is the perfect antidote to all the hype ...

Indeed. Thou might also wisheth to send thy fair princess away for lessons in the physicalities of love ... as a virginly English matron, she shall rightly require some assistance. Quite so, quite so old chap.

(Press Association via AP Images)

Doggy Bag, Please

Having trouble saving up for that vasectomy? Get your pet spayed or neutered, write an essay on "Why should PETA neuter you?" and you could win a *FREE snip 'n' tuck! Contest ends April 27

*Neuticles not included

Evolution Anybody?

Do not store chemicals in soft drink bottles, do not leave nicotine chewing gum near children, and do not give your child ant-killer if they have just eaten ants.

The Sinking Of The Land Of The Rising Sun

Life is like unto a long journey with a heavy burden.

- Ieyasu Tokugawa

(Photo: HO/AFP/Getty Images)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

(Photo: Kyodo/Reuters)

A Meaty Challenge

Government whistleblower : I was shocked ... Dubious meat is often tested, and turns out to be rats and vermin – but chimpanzee is unbelievable. Wow. Next you won't even be allowed to serve breast-milk ice cream.