It's Been A Long Time Coming

Spring starts when a heartbeat's pounding
When the birds can be heard above the reckoning carts doing some final accounting
Lava flowing in Superfarmer's direction
He's been getting reprieve from the heat in the frozen food section

Don't tell me what the poets are doing
Don't tell me that they're talking tough
Don't tell me that they're anti-social
Somehow not anti-social enough, all right

And porn speaks to it's splintered legions
To the pink amid the withered cornstalks in them winter regions
While aiming at the archetypal father
He said with such broad and tentative swipes why do you even bother?

Don't tell me what the poets are doing
Those Himalayas of the mind
Don't tell me what the poet's been doing
In the long grasses over time

Don't tell me what the poets are doing
On the street and the epitome of vague
Don't tell me how the universe is altered
When you find out how he gets paid, all right

If there's nothing more that you need now
The lawn cut by bare breasted women
Beach bleached towels within reach for the women
Got to make it, that'll make it by swimming

Jaws Meets Deepthroat

Pretty snazzy movie title, wouldn't you say? ...
And the script writes itself, wouldn't you also say? ...
Porn Star Attacked By Shark During Florida Film Shoot

March Madness

Forget about basketball ... in the real world, the first week of March featured a "serial defecator" in England, a Mexican firefighter falling to his death trying to shut down a hacked highway billboard featuring a whole lotta porn, and the EPA's new director saying he "would not agree that [human activity] is a primary contributor to the global warming that we see" ... can't wait to see what April Fool's Day 2016 will bring.

Afoul Of The Facts

With the hue and cry over the proliferation of fake news reaching even the CBC, CBC management should be wondering what kind of journalistic standards its own minions are maintaining with headlines such as : Disabled rooster loves his new wheelchair

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Christmas trees should not be employed for this particular activity ... They turn into a huge ball of fire according to one West Sussex Fire and Rescue commander.

Climate Crash

Well folks, it's time to turn out the lights: this party's over. Last week the Arctic was a mind-numbing 20 degrees Celsius above normal, and yesterday one of Donald Trump's advisors announced the president-in-waiting is poised to eliminate all climate change research conducted by Nasa as part of a crackdown on "politicized science" ... But according to Kevin Trenberth, a senior scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, such a move could put us back into the ‘dark ages’ of almost the pre-satellite era ... Space research is a luxury, Earth observations are essential.

The Home Stretch

With exactly one month to go before American citizens [sic] officially select their next president, one would assume that it’s Donald Trump voters who “don’t seem to know when someone has an idea about the world that conflicts with reality.” But you’d be betting on the wrong group of apes ... Just imagine the freedom that comes with the chimpanzee’s inability to receive a lawsuit via Twitter, see an atheist church schism, or celebrate World Television Day. Must be a pretty sweet life, that.

No Sex Please, We're British

Actual headline : Nearly half of British women cannot identify the vagina ... 'nuff said.

Smalltown Bringdown

Their first smash hit "New Orleans Is Sinking" (released 1989) should have served as a premonition for the devastating effects of both global warming and conservative tax-cutting, but didn't. So it is irony on a cosmic scale that in 2005, the year the Hip was inducted into Canada's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Hurricane Katrina teamed up with ill-constructed, poorly maintained levees and underfunded governments to indeed sink the Big Easy, but then got one-upped by another massive, yet unnamed storm this week as they wrap up their farewell tour ... because now the rest of Louisiana is sinking too. What a bringdown these small town folks can be ... Get in the boat. This is not Uber!

Grace, Too

Well, last night Gord Downie kicked off the farewell tour in fine fashion ... and so begins the opportunity for Canadians to bid farewell to arguably the greatest band their fair land has to date produced. Here's hoping he doesn't pull a Molière.

(Photo: Kevin Light/Reuters)

A Little Hemlock, Please

Well, well, well. Apparently it is big news that, as of tomorrow, [as the result of a] Supreme Court ruling, doctors can't be prosecuted under the Criminal Code if they help a patient suffering from a "grievous and irremediable" illness die ... For some people the problem seems to be that with no law in place (as is the case with abortion, incidentally) assisted suicides will blossom as rapidly as hashtags. This is what intelligent people clinically refer to as quantum bullshit. Why would anybody want to pass knee-jerk legislation when we know how that turned out after the-jerk Stephen Harper went batshit crazy ramming through a new prostitution law within the designated one-year "deadline" imposed by a 2013 ruling? Hey Canada! Calm down, give your fucking heads a shake, and leave well enough alone. I think we can trust people to make their own decisions, eh?

Yard Sale

Zimbabwe put its wild animals up for sale on Tuesday, saying it needed buyers to step in and save the beasts from a devastating drought ... What luck! It just so happens that on Tuesday one of the world's best-known buyers had his schedule free up for a couple of months, so all of those parched Zimbabwean leopards and elephants will soon be getting all the bottled water they need. Of course, they'll have to pay for it themselves, because you know which brand it's going to be.

Florida Strikes Again

A 69-year-old man "did not realize that his wife was on the roof" of his car ... for six miles. Thank god for global warming.

The Prince Of Peace

We've all come to expect ritual crucifixions on Easter weekend. But surely there is something wrong with ritual gorging until a nation's hospitals must tell people to stop flooding the emergency rooms when "a rest at home and drinking plenty of water" is the solution to their gluttony-induced illness. This is as far from the Jesus of the Bible as it is possible to get, is it not? Then again, one Easter egg hunt featured an arrest amid a lot of commotion, a lot of cursing ... the deputy used pepper spray to tame the man, but emphasizes no children were around. Wow! With 25,000 eggs on offer and no children around, you have to wonder what was in those eggs.

With [Mrs] God [Not] All Things Are Possible

Next up, eternal existence. According to Mrs God : My husband @TheTweetOfGod and I are leaving the Twitterverse for a new cosmos. There’s milk in the fridge. Good luck and godbye ... Taking a rest already? Is it really possible this fabled Sunday's arrival - when work is entirely abandoned - could have been missed by the righteous (or arrogant) bipeds forever chasing paradise (in this life or the next), coming as it does unannounced and also when we are most in need of benevolent miracles? Odd ... He usually dispatches a prophet to prepare us for the really big news items.

Xmas Cheer

Christmas is upon us yet again, time to celebrate ... or shop ... or die. Whatever floats your boat.

Je Suis Paris

Le fanatisme est un monstre mille fois plus dangereux que l'athéisme philosophique.

-Voltaire

Doubling Down In Texas Hold 'Em

All-you-can eat KFC has arrived, at long last ... Unfortunately, you'll have to go all the way to Japan - but hey! if their electronic and automotive technologies are anything to go by, this idea is going to be an international winner as well. Of course, by the time it gets to Norway, the company may want to double down and change the name of the franchise to Texas Fried Chicken. That ought to move some merchandise in a country that's figured out Texas.

The Hot Rod From Hell

A man who couldn't contain a garbage fire he started tried snuffing it out with a van full of live ammunition and a full tank of gas ...
Predictably, he evacuated the area [when] the tires caught fire ...

Sexie Selfies = Sex Offender

This just might qualify as the craziest shit ever : North Carolina teenager prosecuted as an adult under federal child pornography felony laws, for sexually exploiting a minor: himself ... Cormega Copening, now 17 but 16 at the time the nude pictures of himself on his own mobile phone were discovered, had to strike a plea deal to avoid potentially going to jail and being registered as a sex offender.
Then again, several other states have theme parks celebrating nuclear war, so our race to supreme madness is still far from over.